Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Vox in the Box (21)


A) Amway Arena, enough said. "Amway distributor groups have been accused of using cult-like tactics to attract new distributors and keep them involved and committed; allegations include resemblance to a Big Brother organization with paranoid attitude to insiders critical of the organization, seminars and rallies resembling religious revival meetings and enormous involvement of distributors despite minimal incomes." Would I have posted this if the Cavs were up 2-1? No.

B) Before you write off SVAC, remember that leopards don't change their spots. The Cavs may have been exposed, but the Magic have consistently played one really dumb game per playoff series. Hopefully it'll come in Game 4 or 6.

C) Can somebody float me a Xanax or some of that weed Sasha smokes? I need it for tonight.

D) Do he got a girlfriend? Girl, he is fine, I like to RUSH that. He go to Washington? Nah, he go to Crenshaw.
If the Cavs lose, I will never watch TNT again. Except for the mandatory after-midnite-G-rated screenings of Boyz N the Hood. Movies for guys who likes movies, yeah.

E) Even if the Cavs lose Game 4, the series isn't over. It's never over for the team w/ home court advantage when they're down 3-1, because two of the next three are in your gym.

F) Fuck Boston, yet again, for being up 3-2, and not being able to close out Lando. We owned that city until 1999, but, when we look back on the last decade, we'll reminisce on all of the ways Bawstun fucking fucked us. First the BoSox were down 2-0 and came back to beat us in the ALDS when they trudged out a supposedly injured Pedro Martinez to throw six scoreless in Game 5. They won another three st8 in the '07 ALCS, a classic example of how a series is never over when the team with home-field advantage is down 3-1. Moreover, the Association was wide open last year, but the Celtics won it all because they caught the breaks in Game 7. And Belichick went to four SuperBowls. Really, Boston, how did this all happen? Cleveland is the United Kingdom and you fucking tea-bagged us for ten years.

G) Goin' Diamond. See letter A. Or just google "pyramid schemes."

H) HD rules. I'm not a gadget/technology guy, but HD and the iPod turn me on. The iPod is the most important invention since the electric guitar and Basketball in HD ensures that I never have to step foot in the Q again. Unless the seats are courtside, of course.

I) I'm not above wearing the Orlando Magic Starter jacket in public. I wore it with pride from 1989-92, and I'd probably still be sporting it had I not switched to the John Bender trench coat in early 1993. I've been switching off Cavs jerseys for these games, but if I have to sleep with the enemy to reverse the jinx, I can and will do it. I will gladly sacrifice all that I am for a Cavs victory. Where have you gone, Reggie Theus?

J) Just askin', but was Nick Anderson ever cleared of that rape accusation? And how is the press conference where Nick tearfully denies the charges not on YouTube? Amazing, there are still some things you can't find on the internet.

K) Kroger Retail Food Chain is currently hiring cashiers and stock clerks. Boobie Gibson may want to apply, as he is playing himself out of the league. See Kroger.com for details.

L) Let's see what Madam Ruby sees. I seeeeee......a bicycle! Yes! Is it okay? It's okay, it's okay. Where is it? Can you see it? Wheeeeere is it? It's somewhere else! Somewhere far, far away! Where? THE ALAMO. Innnnnn.....the basement. I'll never forget you.

M) Mo, get off LeBron's jock and make some shots. Much as been made this season of the collective Cavalier willingness to play second fiddle to LeBron, but I wish Mo would play as if he thinks he's at LeBron's level. One of the reasons the 90s Bulls were successful is that Pippen honestly believed he was as good or better than MJ. Obviously, it wasn't true but that belief fueled Pippen to some ridiculously good playoff performances. Healthy competition between teammates is imperative to championship teams.

N) Nero really brings down Star Trek. It was hard to enough to tell those Romulans apart, and Nero lacks the complexity and duality of a great onscreen villain. The reviews are a lovefest, but Nero, Leonard Nimoy, and a convoluted plot stop Trek from reaching it's potential. Can't wait for the sequel, though. Simplicity, Mr. Abrams, simplicity. I know that's not your style but think the first season of Felicity.

O) Obama is killing me. It's not the banks that need reform, it's the consumers. And didn't he promise to end the war? Barry, being a centrist doesn't suit you. Also, wouldn't you know it, Mr President is a Steelers and Tar Heels fan. He is the biggest frontrunner of all time. Time will tell if he's a master of panic, too.

P) Prediction time: Nuggets over Lakers in 6. The Cavs win another game this series on a buzzer-beater, but not by LeBron. Bron scores 60 in an OT game. True Blood improves on a disjointed first season. Tribe scores seven runs in the ninth to edge the Rays, ha. Now, I'm going to really go out on a limb and guess that someone updates their facebook status tonight with "Go Cavs."

Q) Quixtar (formerly AmWay) and Quicken Loans, ironically, employ the same type of shady strategies and cult brainwashing. The Quicken environment is basically AmWay without religion and pyramids. But, hey, a little mortgage fraud won't bother me if it's going to help us sign Chris Bosh next summer.

R) Rumor is that friend Carlos Boozer was at Game 3, and wouldn't mind signing with the Cavs. Although he is injury prone, overrated and hated, I would take him back under these conditions: 1) He issues a sincere public apology to Mr. Gund, Jim Paxson, lousy GMs and blind people everywhere for his snake-dealer conduct. He blames his ex-wife for stabbing Gund & Paxson in the back. Hey, it's easy to blame your ex-wife. CeCe made me sign with Utah. I said no, we should honor the promise we made to Mr. Gund, but that gold-digging bitch wouldn't let me. 2) He promises to play better help defense, instead of camping out under the hoop to pad his rebound stats. 3) He augments his CBooz Unleashed tattoo to read CBooz, douchebag. And he does something with that strange chest hair. If not, maybe he wears a smaller jersey-- so the V neck isn't so low-cut.

S) SamVox, still Cleveland's premier handicapper, hits Game 7 of the Magic/Celtics series for three dimes when all of the betting public staked Boston. Did you expect anything different after I practically nailed the final score of the SuperBowl to finish the NFL season 29-21-3? Anyway, the Magic have covered five straight games. It's a gambler's fallacy to reason they are due to not cover, but, friends, they are due to not cover.

T) There's a red moon rising
Down the Cuyahoga river
Rollin' into Cleveland to the lake
Cleveland, city of light, city of MAGIC?????


U) Utimately, I think something monumental will occur for me as a Cleveland Sports Fan in 2009. It's a milestone year, marking my 20th anniversary as hardcore fan of the NBA. In 1989, the Cavs filled a void in my life after the Force folded a year earlier. 2009 also marks my 25th year as a Cleveland Sports fan. I'll turn 35 in 2009. And, of course, the year 2009 means 45 years without a major sports championship for Cleveland.

V) Varejao has to guard Howard the entire game. It slows Andy down offensively somewhat, but Z on Howard won't cut it. When Howard lowers his shoulder, as Froms noted, Andy will dramatically hit the floor and draw some fouls. Z will just rack up fouls on himself.

W) Walk out, into the sunburst street...Sing your heart out, sing my heart out. I’ve found grace inside a sound. I found grace, it’s all that I found.
I found grace after LeShot.

X) Xs and Os, Coach Brown is getting drilled. How many times will Lando set us up for an Alson three bomb from the left corner? Van Gundy is having his way with us, and then rubbing it in by letting the network mike him up. Reminds me of when the other Van Gundy out-coached Fratello in the first round of the 1996 playoffs, winning the first two at the Gund on his way to a Knick sweep.

Y) Year after year, at the charity stripe. Free throws are proving to be the achilles heel of LeBron and the entire organization.

Z) Z must not see action for the rest of this series. Rest up for the Finals, Z, we'll need u then. SVAC IN SEVEN.

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