Sunday, September 23, 2012

Top Ten Cleveland Sports Quotes

10. "Hey kids, do drugs."
Scot Pollard couldn't have been any more irrelevant as the 12th man on the 2006-07 Cavs. Until a courtside camera caught him in street clothes at the end of the bench one night, and Pollard issued his own unique public service announcement for all young fans watching.

9. "I can only go by what I see."
This became the local media's trademark phrase when mocking Bill Belichick during his tumultuous tenure in Cleveland. Honorable mentions, of course, for "I'm not a doctor" and "diminishing skills." Ironically, as Belichick emerged as one of the great coaches in NFL history, he became amazingly unquotable.

8. "As of right now, I'm a Heat."
How painfully and plainly brilliant restricted free agent John "Hot Rod" Williams was, after signing an offer sheet with Miami worth $26 mil over seven years in 1990. No televised special or masturbation euphenism was necessary. And if you liked quick first steps and baseline jumpers, you were relieved when the Cavs matched the offer and kept Hot Rod's talents in Cleveland.

7. "There's a gleam, men. There's a gleam"
The fun starts at 1:47 of this video praising the motivational skills of Martin Schottenheimer. Cameos from Bernie Kosar, Brian Brennan and The Dean Greg Brinda, who doubles as the definitive voice on Marty's coaching legacy.

6. "We will spend when the time is right."
Colossal mistake by Larry Dolan, in the summer of 2002. Paul chooses his words much more carefully but is still being punished for his father's foolish proclamation. Thankfully, we can classify "What If" as an infamous marketing slogan and not a quote, because that two word ad campaign, which was widely lauded when it was unleashed in 2011, nearly destroyed the Indians with ridicule this season.

5. "I spoil a lot of people with my play."
Stay humble, 'Bron.

4. "I had no choice."
Well of course you did, Art. Just ask George Forbes and Tim Hagan...17 years later. The Plain Dealer did, then treated the story like Japan Surrenders.

3. "Those bottles are plastic. They don't pack much of a wallop."
I'm going to defend Carmen Policy for this one. After two years of pitiful expansion football, the Browns were the league's surprise team and threatening to make the playoffs when an overturned fourth down conversion robbed us of a win over Jacksonville. Now I don't condone what happened at BottleGate ("Ridiculous," said a young Gus Johnson), but Carm was frustrated and had our back at the press conference.

2. “See You Next Tuesday. Spell it out."
Paul Silas thought he was off the record when a reporter questioned him about an upcoming game against old friend turned foe, Carlos Boozer. Incidently, had Silas not uttered this fantastic slip-up, he still might've made my list for calling Ira Newble a "hip hop motherfucker."

1. "F&#@ You! Go root for Buffalo!"
Phil Savage famously scolded Cleveland for our "woe is me" attitude, admitted to wearing a Ravens tee under his dress shirt on draft day, narrowly avoided being fired in his first year on the job after a power struggle with a marketing exec and spent most of his time, out of office, scouting college games- effectively ignoring his role as GM. Of course, none of that compares to his legendary email exchange with a disgruntled fun during a monday night victory over the Bills.


Browns (+3) over Bills, 1 dime
Baltimore (-3) over New England, 1 dime
Last week: 1-0 (+2 dimes)
Season: 2-0 (+5 dimes)


Who is the Vox?
SamVox is not a professional handicapper, but a premier one. He has been gambling his entire adult life and has experienced every sickening turn and nasty twist of fate that occurs during a football season. What distinguishes the Vox is his amazing intuition, astoundingly long memory, attention to detail and preparation, aversion to propaganda and access to the industry's sharpest bettors. He is a two time Pick'Em champion and went 115-100-11 against the spread with his Vox Lox over four seasons. His critically-dismissed Vox in the Box column also appears here at Cleveland Sports Torture.