Wednesday, September 5, 2012

CST Doug's Fabulous Fantasy Football Freakout!!

Feel that tension
Author's note: Like my cynical colleague SamVox, I sent a submission to Grantland's Fantasy Football writer contest that was summarily rejected by the website's editors. After much inner debate, I've decided to post the deathless brilliance that the gormless twits at Grantland turned down because they're unable to comprehend the CST Doug "philosophy." So, if you've got the stones (or, uh, the stonettes) to stare directly into the sun of some flash-blinding wordsmithery, do read on.  ­­-CST Doug

Your knockoff rayon-knitted NFL jersey from Target has been pulled from the hamper and doesn't smell too mildewy. The cardboard-stiff brim of your Starter cap is rakishly tilted to one side, and the Excel spreadsheet saved to your laptop is primed and ready to go. Soon, you will be downing Jazzin’ Jalapeno™ wings and football glasses of cheap American beer as patrons of the sports bar next to the Lube Stop on Jennings Avenue look upon your table of geeky gridiron gurus with a mixture of pity and contempt.

Yes, it's fantasy football time, folks. In the spirit of the season, here are Dangerous Doug's Lock Down, No Doubt, Dip It In Cement And Put It On The Mantle Top-Five Fantasy Football Picks (and one sleeper) for 2012!

Pop culture reference
1) Arian Foster, RB HOU- Don't expect this consensus No. 1 overall Fantasy tailback to get complacent after inking a hefty contract extension in the offseason. Foster's tasty 146.1 total yards per start last season would make even the staunchest numbers nerd drool and sweat like he just saw Emilia Clarke fulfill HBO's "Game of Thrones" boob quota for the week. If you're lucky enough to nab your league's top pick, grab Foster and don't look back.

2) Chris Johnson, RB TEN - Redemption, thy name is Chris. The dreadlocked one starred in his very own dreadful Friedberg/Seltzer-esque parody version of a season (Call it "Crap of the Titans") last year, putting up a pedestrian (for him) 1,047 rushing yards and four measly touchdowns. Improved conditioning and a spruced-up offensive line will propel Johnson back to stud status in '12. His game-breaking speed and 20-score potential should be more than enough to erase fears of last season's misfortunes repeating themselves.

3) Aaron Rodgers, QB GB - Super Bowl champion, pro wrestling fan, stat-sheet stuffer. Add a subscription to "Maxim" to that list and Rodgers would be the dream-BFF of most any discerning Fantasy GM. The cannon-armed Packers' QB posted lifetime bests in yards (4,643) and touchdowns (45) in 2011 along with a career-low six interceptions. Running backs are at a premium in most Fantasy leagues, but Rodgers is good enough to be "The Man" (Whoooo!) at the very top of your draft board.

4) Ray Rice, RB BAL - "Money changes everything," Cyndi Lauper once warbled. The '80s pop songstress would make a lousy Fantasy GM if she lived by those words. While it's true that Rice signed a five-year, $40 million deal in mid-July following a stellar 2011, the freakishly talented Baltimore tailback is an every-down daydream for owners banking on another 2,000-total-yard campaign this season. Rice won't take it easy now that he has a few more Armani suits in his closet. Just sit back and smile as he takes the money and runs.

5) LeSean McCoy, RB PHI - Names like Foster and Rice will fly off draft boards in a blink. This prime Philly will be the next to go, thanks to an eye-popping 2011 that saw McCoy accrue double-digit Fantasy points in all but his final start in Week 16 at Dallas. The multi-talented RB's pass-catching abilities could very soon see him reach the stat-monkey Holy Grail of 2,000 yards. So, choose wisely, and take McCoy with a top-five overall selection in your Fantasy draft.

Deluded Cleveland Fan Sleeper Pick of the Year

Brandon Weeden, QB CLE - The Browns have employed 17(!) quarterbacks since the franchise's return to the league in 1999. Weeden is the latest, and will succeed not due to his strong arm, steady pocket presence or improved supporting cast, but because the gods cannot be so cruel as to deliver Cleveland fans yet another kick in the pants in 2012.

 LeBron won his championship and the Indians have lost practically every game since the All-Star break. There must be some beneficent force out there tired of poking Cleveland with a sharp stick and willing to salve our wounds with a quarterback that won't be selling ladies' shoes in three years. Weeden will be good simply because he has to be good. We cannot take anymore. How's that for analysis, Pancho?