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| Feel that tension |
Author's
note: Like my cynical colleague SamVox, I sent a submission to Grantland's Fantasy
Football writer contest that was summarily rejected by the website's editors. After
much inner debate, I've decided to post the deathless brilliance that the gormless
twits at Grantland turned down because they're unable to comprehend the CST Doug
"philosophy." So, if you've got the stones (or, uh, the stonettes) to
stare directly into the sun of some flash-blinding wordsmithery, do read
on. -CST Doug
***
Your knockoff rayon-knitted NFL jersey
from Target has been pulled from the hamper and doesn't smell too mildewy. The
cardboard-stiff brim of your Starter cap is rakishly tilted to one side, and
the Excel spreadsheet saved to your laptop is primed and ready to go. Soon, you
will be downing Jazzin’ Jalapeno™ wings and football glasses of cheap American beer
as patrons of the sports bar next to the Lube Stop on Jennings Avenue look upon your table of geeky
gridiron gurus with a mixture of pity and contempt.
Yes, it's fantasy football time,
folks. In the spirit of the season, here are Dangerous Doug's Lock Down, No Doubt,
Dip It In Cement And Put It On The Mantle Top-Five Fantasy Football Picks (and
one sleeper) for 2012!
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| Pop culture reference |
1) Arian Foster, RB HOU- Don't expect this consensus No. 1 overall
Fantasy tailback to get complacent after inking a hefty contract extension in
the offseason. Foster's tasty 146.1 total yards per start last season would
make even the staunchest numbers nerd drool and sweat like he just saw Emilia
Clarke fulfill HBO's "Game of Thrones" boob quota for the week. If
you're lucky enough to nab your league's top pick, grab Foster and don't look
back.
2) Chris Johnson, RB TEN - Redemption, thy name is Chris. The
dreadlocked one starred in his very own dreadful Friedberg/Seltzer-esque parody
version of a season (Call it "Crap of the Titans") last year, putting
up a pedestrian (for him) 1,047 rushing yards and four measly touchdowns. Improved
conditioning and a spruced-up offensive line will propel Johnson back to stud
status in '12. His game-breaking speed and 20-score potential should be more
than enough to erase fears of last season's misfortunes repeating themselves.
3) Aaron Rodgers, QB GB - Super Bowl champion, pro wrestling fan,
stat-sheet stuffer. Add a subscription to "Maxim" to that list and
Rodgers would be the dream-BFF of most any discerning Fantasy GM. The
cannon-armed Packers' QB posted lifetime bests in yards (4,643) and touchdowns
(45) in 2011 along with a career-low six interceptions. Running
backs are at a premium in most Fantasy leagues, but Rodgers is good enough to
be "The Man" (Whoooo!) at the very top of your draft board.
4) Ray Rice, RB BAL - "Money changes everything," Cyndi
Lauper once warbled. The '80s pop songstress would make a lousy Fantasy GM if
she lived by those words. While it's true that Rice signed a five-year,
$40 million deal in mid-July following a stellar 2011, the freakishly talented Baltimore tailback is an
every-down daydream for owners banking on another 2,000-total-yard campaign
this season. Rice won't take it easy now that he has a few more
Armani suits in his closet. Just sit back and smile as he takes the money and
runs.
5) LeSean McCoy, RB PHI - Names like Foster and Rice will fly off
draft boards in a blink. This prime Philly will be the next to go, thanks to an
eye-popping 2011 that saw McCoy accrue double-digit Fantasy points in all but
his final start in Week 16 at Dallas .
The multi-talented RB's pass-catching abilities could very soon see him reach
the stat-monkey Holy Grail of 2,000 yards. So, choose wisely, and take McCoy
with a top-five overall selection in your Fantasy draft.
Deluded Cleveland
Brandon Weeden, QB CLE - The Browns have employed 17(!)
quarterbacks since the franchise's return to the league in 1999. Weeden is the
latest, and will succeed not due to his strong arm, steady pocket presence or
improved supporting cast, but because the gods cannot be so cruel as to deliver
Cleveland fans
yet another kick in the pants in 2012.
LeBron won his championship and the Indians
have lost practically every game since the All-Star break. There must be some
beneficent force out there tired of poking Cleveland with a sharp stick and willing to
salve our wounds with a quarterback that won't be selling ladies' shoes in three
years. Weeden will be good simply because he has to be good. We cannot take anymore. How's that for analysis, Pancho?