Friday, September 14, 2007

2007 Fantasy Football Team Reviews

Please keep in mind these reviews are for entertainment purposes only. Do not take anything personal, I don’t think I went to familytown on anyone so I’m not too concerned. I wrote some of this last week and some this week, you may notice that when I reference a game or something. Also, my use of the English language and punctuation may not be the greatest, deal with it. Without further delay…

Las Vegas Vox
Let’s start with the good news because there isn’t much, Vox has possibly the top 2 receivers in the league. Vox also did an excellent job of picking up crappy running backs. Late in the season if you are looking for a running back that gets 5-10 carries a game, Vox has a lot of “Trade Bait, dude.” Maybe you should stop screwing around on your laptop looking at porn and hold ‘em. You must have thought it was the 16th round and not the 6th round when you drafted Michael Turner, unless you know something about Tomlinson getting hurt that the rest of us don’t. I still don’t get the trade you made, it was essentially Ladell Betts and Fred Taylor for Marshawn Lynch. I don’t know if Lynch will be anything great but he has a lot more potential than those other two. I don’t think this team has any chance of making the playoffs and will likely be picking first next year as well.

The Return of Jack Stryker
I already went over your “brilliant” trade with your gay wrestling butt buddy Kevin, I just hope the blow job was good. You drafted two solid receivers in Andre Johnson and Reggie Brown, but this teams success comes down to Ronnie Brown and Tatum Bell. Bell will probably not have enough carries in Detroit and will likely not get the goal line carries. I like Carson Palmer, you will be kicking yourself each time he hooks up with Houshmanzadeh. I think this team has an outside chance at the playoffs.

The Anal Dwelling Butt Monkeys
The “Butt Monkeys” had to play the waiting game at the draft, Tim didn’t get his first pick until the last pick of the 8th round. Lucky for him he got to sit next to Ryan which is a treat for anyone and worth the $125 the league costs. The starters on this team have some potential but the bench is awful. I see some potential issues when the bye weeks start up. Brees and Gates should have great years, Bush and Colston will likely do well, Jamal Lewis and Lee Evans have some good potential. One thing that does scare me about this team(I even mentioned it to Tim the other night) is having 3 starters on one team with Brees, Bush, and Colston, When the Saints don’t score much like Thursday night against the Colts he has very little chance to win. If everything goes well this team could make the playoffs but my guess is the back-ups will have to play too much during the bye weeks and that will cost him.

Dough Boyz
This team didn’t have much to start with, just Willie Parker, my favorite player on my favorite team. But the draft guru that I am I was able to get the top RB available(Adrian Peterson), the top WR available(Larry Fitzgerald), and the QB available(McNabb). Have some concern with the 2nd wide-out position if Braylon doesn’t step-up there isn’t much on the bench to take his place. Drafted 4 Cleveland Browns which not only shows loyalty but brains as well. With the Browns going to the Super Bowl this year the players will no doubt perform very well each week. Vernon Davis will have a huge year and help lead this team to the Fantasy Football Play-offs in a very weak division. Even if I don’t make the playoffs I still have the chewiest player in the league on my team. If you don’t think so, I challenge you to look at my team logo for a minute or so and I dare you to tell me “it” doesn’t move. Go ahead, try it! (I made the game even easier for you by adding my team logo to the top of this post)

Watered Down Talent
This team had a very solid 4 core players, Tom Brady, Frank Gore, and Rudi and Chad Johnson errr Ocho Cinco. Those 4 players alone give Brian a chance each and every week. I didn’t really agree with protecting Crumpler and Clayton although when I look what would have been available in the draft in those spots not too sure you could have improved much. Picked up a good WR in the 7th round in Vincent Jackson. It was probably around this time he started thinking about long distance phone sex with his “girlfriend.” At least that is when I started thinking about it. Or he might have wanted to hang himself after sitting next to Kevin “I like wrestling more than anything in this world, it gives me a boner, and a really gay smile” Hogan, I know if I was sitting next to him I would have put my draft on auto-pilot. This should be one of the top teams in the league.

Jack Attack
This team has a really good QB Vince McMahon, a solid RB Triple H, and a nice RB The Rock. I can only imagine the gay smile on Kevin’s face if that were true. He did watch more wrestling clips in the draft than Sam watched porn, which is saying something. Does it turn anyone else’s stomach watching the pure joy this grown man gets looking at those clips? I seriously believe he gets a boner while watching it and I’m 50/50 on whether or not he masturbates to it. That being said I think this is a good team. Kevin must be a great GM to talk Doug into the dumb ass trade they made and I think the trade with Rob was good for him too. Although protecting Chester Taylor was dumb, you could have gotten him back in the 6th round if you wanted him that bad. This team got hooked up when Chicago traded Thomas Jones to the Jets. Jack Attack went from 4 running backs that split time to 2 full time backs and 2 part backs. Then, as I mentioned, traded the 2 part time backs for 2 good WR’s. I like this teams chances to make the playoffs.

Long Live Jambi
I figured it was asking too much when I said everyone must draft at least 2 players at each position. Trey apparently didn’t hear the 30-40 times that was said. I let it slide because sitting next to Kevin was enough punishment. I think Trey was busy watching a hellacious knee drop or a crippling figure four and that’s why he drafted like 12 receivers. I don’t know about this team, I like Steve Smith. Santonio Holmes and Calvin Johnson have good potential. I’m not huge on Edgerrin James and I hate that touchdown stealing cocksucker Barber. If Lamont Jordan has a surprising season then maybe just maybe this team has a chance at the post season but I doubt it.

Well our once a year Scip sighting was nice. I think I’ve seen him more on news clips than in person the last year. And I only saw him once on the news. Remember Mike I was not one of those A-holes who left your party last year and went over Brian’s. I had a family event that day. I don’t know what will happen over the course of the year with this team but I do know it is in for a beat down in Week 1 against some bad ass team named the Dough Boyz. The running backs with Jackson and McGahee are very solid and I like his wide outs too. They aren’t great but should be solid. He has the Steeler D and I bet he will be rooting for them this week against the Browns. I have heard several people say Wes Welker has good potential and I think they were talking fantasy potential too. I don’t see it, there is like 10 good receivers on the Patriots and Brady likes to spread the ball around. I personally don’t care for any New England WR’s when it comes to fantasy. If Steven Jackson had an MVP season this team should be in the mix.

The highlight of the night for me was when Telly and Andy got into it again over the N word. I always love a good N word discussion, especially when someone(specifically a white person) tries to justify its use to a black person. This will always bring a smile to my face. As for the team the starters better be good because I haven’t heard of many guys on your bench. A lot of question marks for this team. Can Marshawn Lynch be productive? Can T.O. keep his mouth shut? Can Andy keep his mouth shut?(I hope not) Can Leinert live up to his potential? I just think there are too many question marks surrounding this team and a crappy bench that will prevent a playoff run.

The Next Big Thing
Bill was at the draft…I think…he’s lost so much weight I could barely see him. Another fun part of the night was when Telly yelled at him for being too skinny. I’m just glad Telly didn’t yell at me for being too fat. Maybe I need to get a girlfriend who likes to run. Bill protected Cutler, Alexander, and Moss. I wasn’t a huge fan of the Moss protection at first but after week 1 it looks like it was smart. Might have found the steal of the draft in round 13 with Chris Brown who scored 17 points in week 1. Bill needs him too keep it up because I may put up as many points as his back-up running backs. My guess is Chris Brown won’t score that much in any week the rest of the year. Tony Gonzalez’s numbers have started to slip but if he and Galloway can post solid numbers this team could make the playoffs.

You Hear the Dial Tone
WHY?…cause this TEAM IS OFF THE HOOK!! Still the most creative fantasy team name, still gives me chills too say it. I’m sure Sean had to resist the urge to name his team after his child like Rob and Kevin did, Buddy’s Battallion or something like that had to be pretty tempting. I thought this team was going to win it all last year until Cadillac Williams had a huge sophomore slump. Very good core with Larry Johnson, Reggie Wayne, Hines Ward, and Kellen Winslow. If Cadillac can bounce back this should be one of the teams to beat. More importantly did any of you notice Sean didn’t rage or even get impatient once at this draft. If he did I missed it. I’m wondering if he is on some medication or something. What’s a draft without a little Sean rage, please bring it back next year or we may have to go from 17 rounds to 30 rounds the following year.

I don’t know what is worse the team name or the team logo(a naked picture of his daughter). OR WORSE YET…a naked picture of an adult girl bending over. I literally wrote that first line and then went to check Rob’s logo to make sure he didn’t change it and I SHIT YOU NOT last year he had a naked picture of his daughter’s backside and this year he has a VERY MATURE lady’s backside. It’s a very nice picture BUT I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW INAPPROPRIATE IT IS TO GO FROM A PICTURE OF YOUR NAKED DAUGHTER TO A NAKED ADULT. Am I wrong about this? Not to mention his team name is named after his daughter. I may have to kick Rob out of the league. I might even have to turn this over to the proper authorities. I don’t even want to comment on this sickos team. I don’t think this team is very good. How the hell did you make the playoffs last year?

LT…need I say more. I was shocked when I received Kevin’s protections and he only protected Tomlinson. Then I looked at his team and was surprised to find that they pretty much sucked. Tomlinson single handily led him to the Championship game. Larry Fitzgerald might have helped slightly but this team didn’t have much else. I’m not huge on LT’s supporting cast on this team this year either. Kitna should be solid, Chambers might be o.k. and I suppose Maurice Jones-Drew could live up to the hype but there really isn’t much here. However, LT may be all you need. It wouldn’t surprise me to see this team in the playoffs again and if Tomlinson goes off Gout could win it all.

Marrie’s Morons
This team is good. Great quarterback in Manning, 3 very solid running backs in Adai, Westbrook, and Henry, nice wide receivers in Boldin and Driver. This team is a lock for the playoffs and has an excellent shot at winning it all again. The Browns might want to give Ryan a call about finding talent, he made a nice trade or two last year to build this team and now it should be a powerhouse for years to come. Don’t think draft day was one big party in Marrie’s Moronsland though, I don’t know how many noticed the disappointment on Ryan’s face but I did. I’m not talking about when he got stuck with Joey Harrington as his back up QB, I’m talking about the fact that Las Vegas Vox’s team owner, who he was sitting right next to, looked at no porn the entire draft. The only reason the “Morons” protected 6 guys was because he knew he was sitting next to Vox and he didn’t wanted to be bothered with drafting while a nice titty f*ck or double anal was going on. I’m guessing Ryan had to go home and TCOB thinking about his Peyton Manning protection since Vox let him down.

My picks for the playoffs(not taking divisions into consideration) are:
Dough Boyz
Watered Down Talent
Marrie’s Morons
You Hear the Dial Tone (Why?)

Jack Attack