Thursday, July 10, 2014

LeBron Watch 2014: Are we having fun yet?

The waiting is the most difficult aspect.
So dawns another day of refreshing Twitter to see if cupcake lady, shirtless personal trainer guy, or anyone with actual concrete information knows anything about the landing spot of mega free agent/hometown hero/worse-than-Hitler traitorous scum LeBron James. 

Analysts have already predicted a 68 percent drop-off in work productivity regionally today as legions of office drones constantly check their phones for any shred of news. No need to be embarrassed, Cleveland. That's just how we roll, for better or worse.


Whether LeBron Watch 2014 is another Cleveland sports version of Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown remains to be seen. In the meantime, people seem to be having fun with the so-called Decision II. A local sports-talk radio station has led the optimism charge, creating catchy hashtags and playing "Happy" during ad breaks. 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Visceral feelings on NBA free agencies and decisions to come

The situation around a certain #6 who plays for the team that just got blown out in the NBA Finals is about 300 times less all-consuming than it was four years ago, when "The Decision" burnt its way into Cleveland's psyche the same way that other creatively named gut-punches had, from Jordan to Byner to Modell and more.


This time, it's quiet and behind the scenes by Mr. 6 that has led to the entire NBA community to assume that the "Big 3" would return to Miami next year--with some creative accounting that will let the team add a role player or perhaps a fourth musketeer. But, literally, the winds shifted so hard over Fourth of July weekend that you'd think we'd be pelted by spent fireworks shells by now. An east side Personal Trainer named Josh Teplitz started reporting with insane confidence and inside sources that #6/#23 will indeed be returning to the team that drafted him, and the deal is all but done. 


Of course nothing new happened over the weekend, until Sunday, when it reached OJ Simpson-like levels with people following planes from Detroit to South Florida with word that Dan Gilbert filed this flight plan.


And late Sunday night, the national media started feeling the same way. Let's keep in mind that none of this seems to be sourced, and certainly not on the record. ESPN's Chris Broussard:


My wife has explained to me that she thinks every Cavs fan needs a little bit of emotional counseling because of the scars left in the middle of each of our backs from four years ago, layered, of course, upon decades of previous scars. So to get the temperature of those of us who thought "Cleveland Sports Torture" was a clever name something like ten years ago, here is some emotional dumping of our state of mind right now:

Brian: Four years ago is still fresh in my mind, and it's because I was shocked. How could he go on television and brutally humiliate an entire fan base, the fan base that had supported him and defended him against legions of haters? May seem cliched now, but it's not just that he left--it's way more about how he left. Followed up by revisionist history that the other 14 Cavaliers all were a bunch of stiffs and everyone knew it, even though virtually every national writer picked the Cavs to win the 2010 NBA Championship at the end of the regular season. But ever since, all I wanted was some hint of success from the "new" Cavs, and obviously, we haven't seen it yet. And as they (kinda) say--time heals at least some wounds. I don't know if I want "The Return." I would rather win a championship without him, any day of the week. But I don't know if I'd sacrifice a chance at numerous championships on spite and hatred and bad feelings alone. 

Tom: My thought is I need apology or some type of admission he made a mistake with The Decision. If he should return and that's a big if. He needs to reconcile with Cleveland. However that happens I'm not sure. Until that does I'm not sure I can move on. At least until we are back in the NBA Finals.

Doug: As much as I refuse to believe the social media musings of rappers, personal trainers and others on the periphery of the LeBron-is-returning speculation, I would be lying if I said the prospect of James coming back didn't get me all a-tingle. It would be an enormous story on both a local and national level, serving as a huge injection of excitement for a fanbase that has "witnessed" one half-assed playoff game in the last three years. Admittedly, I harbor a dislike for James and have come to believe he's a soulless husk who happens to be the best in the world at what he does. However, I'm also a hypocrite who would give a toe - and not the pinky, either - for a Cleveland championship. 'The Return' could be the bolt from the blue that exorcises the demons of The Shot, The Drive and even The Decision once and for all.

Ryan: It sickens me to think that any true Cleveland fan would welcome LeBron back. I want a championship as much as any Cleveland fan but not this way. If LeBron came back and the Cavaliers won a title, the national headlines would read "LeBron brings first title to Cleveland'. It would all be about LeBron and what he did for this city by coming back. I've noticed some fans seem to want him to apologize...why? What will that change?? It won't change what he did and I'm sure he would make the same decision again. The only reason he will come back is if it helps his brand. Four years ago he had a chance to choose Cleveland because he wanted stay with his "hometown" and bring us our first championship, he told us to F off. Now he has another chance to choose Cleveland but this time it would be to help himself, all of Cleveland (and Dan Gilbert) should this time tell him to F off.

SamVox: For every fan threatening to disown the Cavaliers if the Prodigal Son returns, I humbly offer this parable: If you hate LeBron more than you love the Cavs, then you weren't much of a Cavs fan in the first place. Get off your hypocritical high horse; #6 ain't the first jackass you've rooted for in a Cleveland uniform, and he certainly won't be the last. Apologies if he doesn't fit the neat little narrative you envisioned when we originally plotted our victorious march to the promised land eleven years ago. For 50 years, we've witnessed failures, flaws and fuck-ups from incompetent ownerships and watched incomprehensibly-bad basketball, baseball and football. LeBron offers the opposite: an on-court ballet, equal parts beauty and aggression, and, most importantly, Ws tattooed on the chest of every fan at the Q. Friends, I'm not asking you to forgive LeBron. I never will. I'm only imploring you to forget about the pain of the past four seasons and enjoy the giant shitburger we'll feed to the national media when LeBron CHOOSES CLEVELAND.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Money man Irving must step into leadership role for Cavs

Lead on, dude!
Kyrie Irving signed a max deal this week in refreshingly drama-free fashion. No fuss, no muss, just a tweet from Dan Gilbert and a video of the newly minted gazillionaire dancing in celebration


Life is good for the 22-year-old point guard, and better for Cleveland fans tired of the speculation that Irving wanted out of town. At the very least, many thought he would take more than two minutes to agree to a long-term extension.

That's not the case and Irving's here for the long haul. The next step for him is to return to the leadership role he was growing into during his first two years with the franchise. Those were the "Mr. Fourth Quarter" days, when the point guard with the illest dribble in the association (Author's Note: "illest" is street slang for "nothing better than") was breaking ankles and crushing last-second jumpers in fearless fashion.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Better to be good than lucky

Save us, Johnny!
If you haven't heard, Cleveland has the luckiest unlucky fanbase in the entire sports universe.

The Cavaliers just came off winning their third draft lottery in four years, while the Browns became a national story for non-criminal reasons thanks to the whirlwind arrival of Johnny Manziel. The Indians got into the action, too, sweeping the division-leading Tigers in what may have been a season-saving series. 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Fix is in--for the Cavs! Now no lottery, ever again. Or else

There's no way there isn't a fix. Come on. Or a hidden camera?


7/100th of 1% chance. Zero point zero zero seven percent. 0.007426%, to be more exact.

That's the chance the Cavs had to win the #1 pick in the lottery in 2011*, 2013, and 2014. But yet, here we are. Another ping pong ball, bouncing toward Wine and Gold. (*2011 with the Clippers pick).

I am not exactly your hair-on-fire, Obama-is-coming-to-take-your-guns-and-religion, Bush-ordered-9/11 conspiracy theorist. But this is just too insane to really think can be legitimate.

"I hope this one pays the debt."
Back after TGiM made his "decision", there was a few days of saber rattling from the Cavs and Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert (or his camp) about tampering charges, since it was obvious that the Miami Heat, and their slicked-back president, definitely violated tampering rules in assembling his Big Three. But at some point, Gilbert backed down. And it's not because any guy who uses Comic Sans in his public manifesto isn't afraid of being embarassed in some NBA-rigged courtroom.

So why did the Cavs not follow up on tampering charges? Is it not possible--nay--likely, that David Stern made a deal with Dan Gilbert, to avoid an embarrassing campaign by a loud billionaire owner? I guess maybe the promise of "lottery victories until your team is good" maybe didn't seem like it would still be going on to David Stern, circa 2011. Well, now Adam Silver has to grit his teeth and rub his dome in disbelief. Because the Cavs will be picking (or trading) with the #1 pick yet again.

And hopefully not for a long time. If the Cavaliers are back in the lottery next year--or even in the next four years--trade everyone. That means our hotshot point guard, that means the GM, that means whomever we draft #1 this year, that means whatever coach is still around at the time. That means the owner. Shit, if they're in the lottery again, move the franchise to Seattle.

Last year Cavs fans expected a playoff team with the talent we had. 

Now we demand it.

Here's your painful stat of the day. Only one team has used it's #1 lottery pick to win an NBA Championship. That team, the San Antonio Spurs, used two of them: David Robinson and Tim Duncan. No other #1 lottery pick has ever won a championship with the team that drafted him. Grudging h/t to Bill Simmons.