The Francona Hire - Cleveland Paranoia Edition

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Something wicked this way comes...

The most enjoyable aspect of being a Cleveland fan is wondering just how things will go tits up this time. It could be a player acquisition or ownership change, a trade or a new manager. Whatever the move, no matter how positive at first blush, Cleveland fans are always sneaking glances into the corner where the shadows are. There hides the Paranoia Monster, an insatiable beast with yellow eyes and sharp claws waiting to unzip our collective guts for the umpteenth time since 1964. 

The Terry Francona hire should defy such unreasonable behavior. The Tribe's new manager comes in a shiny package of two World Series rings, earned through successful massaging of the egos that came with a heavily bankrolled Boston Red Sox team. Hell, Francona should get a banana sticker just for dealing with Manny Ramirez's antics. 

What we think will happen vs. the Bengals today (Week 6)

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Cincinnati Bengals at Cleveland Browns (Week 6)

October 14, 2012

Brian	Bengals 31 Browns 24	If the Browns could just put all the phases together. And if I had a nickle...anyway, I'm hoping the left coast changes my luck. I'll be watching with the Bay Area Browns Backers.
Tom	Bengals 27 Browns 17	Joe Haden in his return from suspension, looks like he hasn't been playing football for 4 weeks. The Bengals have no trouble putting up points on the Browns. The offense for the Browns just doesn't score enough this Sunday.
Doug	Bengals 23 Browns 17	With a new owner officially on board, the Shurmur death watch begins in earnest. It won't be this week, but the bell will soon be tolling for Mr. Personality.
SamVox	Browns 24 Bengals 20	If not now, then when?
Kevin	Bengals 28 Browns 27	The Shurmurnator strikes again, killing all hopes of a victory. But Judgement Day may be coming soon for this machine of destruction as a new owner rolls into town to provide salvation to our once proud franchise.
Ryan	Browns 27 Bengals 17	I know the Browns are 0-5, but I see improvement. I hate to say it but wins aren't that important this year. We need the young players to get some experience so we can make a leap next year. Weeden and Richardson show us why we should be excited and deliver our first win of 2012.
Sean	Bengals 24 Browns 23	It's a Roadhouse Sunday. The Browns play the role of Ben Gazzara's "Brad Wesley". They just can't beat the philosopher/bouncer known simply as "Dalton".

Oh no she didn't! Browns first lady calls Cleveland "basement Mecca."

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"It's basement Mecca."

That's what the wife of new Browns owner Jimmy Haslam said about Cleveland. I can't believe she went there. Does she not know the pain Cleveland has gone through? She needs to resort to labels and name-calling?

That ain't mud you're smelling down there.

Sure, the Indians haven't been in "absolute dead last place" in a while. (Thanks Minnesota and Kansas City!)  But the Cavs were in the cellar only two years ago. (And of course in first place only three....) And there's a certain team on the lakefront that would miss the smell of the musty basement if they ever got a scent of first place, they're so used to it. I bet the Haslams could even see the lights from the stadium where that orange-and-brown team plays, if they step out onto their giant deck overlooking Lake Erie....

...what? Oh, my bad, apparently Dee Haslam was just talking about the great basements that houses have in the Cleveland area. You can see why I had the knee-jerk reaction to such a statement. I thought "Cleveland: It's basement Mecca" was the next episode of ESPN's 30 for 30. It turns out that Mr. and Mrs. Haslam are celebrating their purchase of a fat pad overlooking Lake Erie, just minutes from Cleveland Browns Stadium. Complete with a basement that includes a 1600-bottle wine cellar and a home theatre.

I hope the patio is close enough for Jimmy Haslam to see what is going on with the Cleveland Browns. And figure out how the hell to fix it.

TBDBITL geeks out for Ohio State-Nebraska

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The Ohio State University Marching Band put on a hell of a videogame-inspired performance at halftime of the OSU-Nebraska game Saturday night, a game which coincidentally featured a videogame like score of 63-38.

I'm not one to wax poetic about the band, especially since a couple of self-important band members tried to start a fight with us way back in Columbus with the epic, ironic, angry words "What have you done with your life? I've dotted the 'i"!" But the pregame march down the field is a can't-miss for me. And I wish I had been at Ohio Stadium Saturday night for this halftime performance.

It includes tons of throwback references to Pac-Man, Zelda, Tetris, Space Invaders, and Mario, most of which the 19-year-olds in the band have no frigging clue what they're talking about. I guess Halo is in there for good measure.

Some highlights include:
Kicking off with Space Invaders at the beginning.
Tetris at 1:25.
The greatest theme in videogame history, Super Mario, starting about 1:50, with some question mark blocks.
The horse galloping down the field about 6:00.
Pac-man to Game Over at about 8:20.

I can't imagine how much practice this must have taken. Congrats.

What we think will happen against the Giants (Week 5)

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Cleveland Browns at New York Giants

October 7, 2012

 

Brian	Giants 28 Browns 27	Browns the only team in town now without an inspiring coach .
Tom	No Pick
Doug	Giants 23 Browns 13	The Browns only chance against the champs is old school ball-control offense starring T-Rich. However, with Shurmur in the director's chair, this movie's almost certainly going to be a flop.
SamVox	Giants 26 Browns 16	After watching Cleveland 95, I'm inspired to watch the game while I'm on the exercise bike. Never knew that Belichick had such nice legs.
Kevin	Giants 27 Browns 17	I saw some crazy stat that the Browns have won the last three times they've played the defending Superbowl champs. Two words: Pat Shurmur.... make it three out of four.
Ryan	No Pick
Sean	Giants 24 Browns 14	Younger brother Eli continues his quest for respect...tonight on Boardwalk Empire. But first we'll watch the Browns do what they do best.