Saturday, January 9, 2016

Perfect Day, Part I

Besides the Browns in the Super Bowl, I have a few bizarre daydreams involving the NFL. I’ll share one with you, just for an excuse to unload my wildcard picks below. The details of this delusion are simple enough: the Browns are hosting a playoff game down at the Factory on an absurdly sunny afternoon. Now let me lay a little more pipe to this fantasy:

8:40am I wake up in a big, brass bed next to my beloved beagle, pawing at my shoulder. Together, we take a leak in my backyard’s Crystal Blue Italian Stream. Inside, Mrs. ExVox cooks a breakfast with no hog. My kids are already dressed. Shoes, too. That may seem like an insignificant item to my readers without children. See, they've never gone hoarse yelling “put your @%#@%# shoes on.” 

9:30am In my car, on the way to the gym, the DJ spins a double-shot of Poison. Remember, the sun is shining out the ass today and Bret is searching for the girl he knew a year ago. That’s normally enough mojo for any morning, but I’m still Sunday-rolling in the parking lot while Mr. Michaels is behind the bushes screaming for more, more, more.

10:45am The hoop is bigger than Lake Erie. With the way I shoot in real life, it'd better be. I’m passing the rock like I’m 1986-Magic Johnson, gyrating to Janet Jackson’s Control. Afterwards, a scout from the Mavericks offers me a 10-day contract and a reality show with Mark Cuban. I politely decline. My daughter has two soccer games next weekend, and I hate to miss those.

11:50am Quick stop at Presti’s on my way downtown for some post-workout cannoli. Jimmy Dimora has been paroled and is talking business on the bakery’s bench with Paulie Walnuts and Saul Goodman. It’s an oddly comforting scene.

12:45pm Killing some time before kick off. Let's scroll my Facebook newsfeed:

Negative Obama Meme.
Zuckerberg is sharing his fortune. Good Morning America guarantees it.
Man with orange skin and electric white teeth will make Murica great again. 73k likes and counting.
This Homeless man wanted $1.50 for a slice of pizza. YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!
Selfie girl with fish lips.
Selfie girl and friend with fish lips and hands on hips.
Selfie girls in group with other white girls showing shoes.
10 Signs You are Dating a Douchebag.
Cut and paste this in your status for this child born with three heads. 98% won’t repost. Will you?
Meme of Obama, in full turban, burning flag, laughing at America.
Hillary photoshopped shaking hands with Bin Laden.
Right wing news site has proof 2-year old Obama murdered JFK.
Zuckerberg sharing his fortune again. It’s worth a try.
SHARE if everything WRONG with your life can be blamed on OBAMA!

12:50pm All right, you win. There’s no such thing as a perfect day. The moral of this column -- never check Facebook when things are going well. Can I get those five minutes back?


1st Qtr: Browns run back the kickoff. Coach Kosar, drinking 40 ounces from a brown paper bag, calls for two. Johnny Utah/Shane Falco converts on a corner-fade to Rod Tidwell. 8-0, Brownies.

2nd Qtr: Lots of good things happen to the Browns. Lots of bad things happen to opposing team dressed in black and yellow. Visiting fans start urinating on yellow towels, then use said towels to wipe the sweat off their disappointed faces.

Halftime: Entertaining "Loser Leaves Town" Cage Match featuring Jimmy “The Flying Pilot” Haslam vs crowd favorite Jumpin' Jon Manzell. First Energy Stadium erupts when Jon climbs to the top of the cage and flashes the money sign, before jumping off and swanton-bombing Haslam. Mike “The Human Doughnut” Holmgren referees, but is too lazy to make the three-count. DDQ.

I stop in the press box to rep CST and grab some free grub, but Mary Kay Cabot insists we make out for a few minutes. Ok, anything for MKC. Then Chris Fedor pleads with me to punch him in the face. Done. Any other local media members need a favor?

3rd Qtr: I can't concentrate because Alexandra Daddario is blowing up my phone. Wants to reenact the handcuff scene from True Detective, Season One or something. I don't know; I've never seen the show. 

4th Qtr: Heel City's squad stumbles on their opening drive when Rapistburger is sacked on second down and then arrested by stadium police before he can get the play off on 3rd and long. Somewhere, Phil Simms is having vocal convulsions about "football and the law," but there are no awful announcers on this perfect day. Just Michael Reghi, alone in the broadcast booth, ready to book this one to the Browns.

4:14pm We gotta go. We're outta time, Tony Schiavone! 

Click HERE to read Perfect Day, Part II

Texans (+3) over Chiefs, 1 Dime
Bengals (pick) over Stillers, 2 Dimes
Seahawks -3 over Vikings, 2 Dimes
Redskins (pick) over Packers, 1 Dime

Season: 0-2, -5 Dimes Career: 148-129-14, +40 Dimes