Sunday, January 20, 2013

Vox Lox Championship Sunday: Lombardi Stinks's Editor and chief Bill Simmons, also known as The Sports Guy, featured the following email and response in Friday's Mailbag. You can read my retort below.

Q: After the Browns hired Chud to be their next head coach, I prodded my new roommate, a Cleveland native, to tell me what it was like to be a Browns fan. Very seriously and despondently he said, "It's like watching your dog get put down every Sunday."
—Will, Palo Alto
SG: Come on, the Browns just hired one of the greatest B.S. Report guests of all time, Mr. Mike Lombardi! Things are looking up! I couldn't be happier for Lombardi — the guy loves Cleveland, loves working in football and desperately wanted one more chance. He's one of the best people I have ever met in sports, as well as one of the most thoughtful. I know he's gonna kill it there. Sometimes it makes me sad, though … Lombardi being gone from the B.S. Report. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty now that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend. (Sorry, I had to.)
SV: Bill, Bill, Bill. For an outsider, you normally measure the pulse of Cleveland with uncanny accuracy but you've let your friendship with Lombardi cloud your Shawshank analogy. Let's rethink this. Michael Lombardi is hardly Andy Dufresne. Dufresne is actually the Cleveland Sports Fan: jailed for crimes we did not commit, ass-raped by leaders of our own institution, and forced to crawl through 50,000 yards of shit-smelling-foulness you (being a Boston fan) can't ever imagine or maybe you just don't want to. 50,000 yards, that's the amount of offense opposing teams have put up on our defense since 1999. We crawl through a river of shit EVERY SUNDAY, but we don't EVER come out clean. And we sure as hell don't escape. Instead, time is added to our sentence with every new regime that busts into our city preaching faith and discipline (and patience). 
Joe Banner is the Warden Samuel Norton, a small and crooked dictator determined to rule. And Lomabrdi, of course, is Byron T. Hadley- first henchman and ass-kisser. I wasn't there to see it, but I heard Lombardi sobbed like a baby when Al Davis fired him for airing the Raiders' dirty laundry to his media butt-buddies. Those friends in high places are now returning the favor; see Jim Nantz's obtuse, deliberate and buffoonish defense of Lombardi on 92.3's Bull & Fox show. But the stench cannot be removed from this foolish hiring, as Lombardi's NFL legacy speaks louder locally than any national spin. Two days ago, Lombardi begged the Cleveland media for a "clean slate" but there are no magic erasers in this town. We've suffered too much, simply. "The Hole" at Shawshank equates to First Energy Stadium. And there ain't no easy time at The Factory of Sadness.

Every fan-base has its breaking point.

Ravens (+9) over Patriots4 dimes
Falcons (+4.5) over 49ers1 dime

Last Week: 2-2 (even)
Season: 7-7 (+9 dimes)