Sunday, January 17, 2016

Perfect Day, Part II

Click HERE to read Perfect Day, Part I

4:34pm I’m celebrating the first Browns' playoff win in twenty-plus years at the Horseshoe. How did I make it to the Casino in twenty minutes, considering the downtown gridlock after the game? This is my fantasy, bruh. For all you know, I teleportated. Anyway, I’m in a private room playing No Limit 7-Card Stud with Greg Brinda, Wendy Richter, Super Joe Charboneau, Paul Silas, one of the Winklevoss twins and Tuco, before he was Tuco, from Training Day. All things considered, it’s a relatively tame and quiet game. The Dean, a bumptious cheap ass, is instinctively folding without even checking his cards. Tuco is methodically shuffling stacks in his hand while staring down the slow-playing Silas. Super Joe is making subtle advances at the former Women’s Champ. It’s pretty much a two-man table, with Vox and Voss trading pots. Until a massive hand that sees all players push in their chips and I’m dealt a royal flush. 60k, cash out. This was a safe and easily fictitious way for me to get paid. The alternative was a longwinded and half-plagiarized paragraph about robbing Dollar Bank with Richard Nixon and Lyndon Johnson.

5:47pm Making it rain with my winnings at Christie’s Cabaret.

5:47pm Hit the ATM, and safely deposit my winnings into savings account.

5:47pm Actually, I'll let it ride. The Cavaliers are 30-1 underdogs vs the Warriors at the Oracle tonight because Bron, Kyrie and KLove are all nursing injuries. I’m betting my poker winnings on Shump, Delly, TT, JR and JCunningham. Funny how easy your ROI can x30 on a pretend day.

5:48pm Wait, should you really be gambling, SamVox? After last week? You bet on Brian Hoyer, AJ McCarron and Kurt Cousins in the same playoff weekend. That’s probably a felony in some states.

6:30-10:00pm Picking up my daughters in a Cadillac stretch. Of course, Mary Stuart Masterson is chauffeuring. I'll break her heart later, if I can find the time. We’re off to the Coliseum to catch the Force of Cleveland take on the Cosmos of New York. Before suggesting that this part of the evening might be a tad tedious, remember that Nev Chandler is narrating everything I do today. Imagine the cadence he lends to a moment like me and the kids waiting in line for a Soft Pretzel. Not to mention the hot, Wallascora MISL action, brought to you by Benny Dargle. Bearded, before it was cool.

10:30pm No, I'm not going to buy out the theatre for a private screening of Force Awakens. Enjoyed it, I did. Enough, once was. In fact, I was so anxious to see it, I dragged my seven year old to a near-midnight showing on opening night. Judgmental public be damned, I could not physically wait another twelve hours to see the film. But the hyperbole for JJ Abrams' glorified cover-album has to end somewhere, so it may as well be this column. Force Awakens can't hold a cantina to the original trilogy. 

Since the theme of Perfect Day is perfection, let me recap the most flawless first hour in the history of modern cinema- 1983's Revenge of the Jedi (that was the original, and more accurate, title to the sixth episode). New Hope and Empire were brilliant investments, but the payoff comes when robed-Luke walks into Jabba's Palace as a finished product. Look, everyone loves Han Solo and the way he laughed at danger, but the maturation of young Skywalker is the thesis of the Star Wars saga. We put up with his whiny impatience and impulsiveness in Episodes IV and V, and then we're rewarded the minute Luke tells Bib Fortuna to take him to Jabba now. The ensuing fight against the Rancor and the flip off Jabba's sail barge are classic action sequences, free of the overzealous effects that could compromise what's at stake in the scene. Jedi, minus all of the silly happenings on Endor, has always represented George Lucas' most pristine vision.

10:35-past midnight Me, my couch, Davis Bakery deli sandwich, coconut bar, two iced teas, Twitter, Cavs vs. Dubs, volume down. I like Austin Carr, but I'm certainly not going to let Fred McLeod's announcing ruin the past fifteen hours and our undermanned upset of Golden State. At halftime, I'm flipping channels and bump into the thunderstorm scene from Ice Pirates, just in case I want to, well, you know. After the game, I immediately head to HBO On Demand. I'm going watch Eastbound & Down, Season Four, until I fall asleep. After all, it was a Kenny Powers kind of day.

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Chiefs (+5) over Pats, 1 Dime
Packers (+8) over Cards, 1 Dime
Panthers (-1) over Seahawks, 2 Dimes
Stillers (+8) over Broncos, 4 Dimes

Last Week: 0-4, -6 Dimes
Season: 0-6, -11 Dimes 
Career: 148-123-14, +34 Dimes