Sunday, January 19, 2014

Vox Lox: Championship Sunday 2014


Back off, Warchild. And bet both road dogs today!
Those who write on bathroom walls
Roll their shit in little balls
Those who read these words of wit
Eat those little balls of shit

It was 1991, at a Columbus watering hole, when I first read such illustrious bathroom graffiti. For all intents and purposes, I lost my virginity to that rhyme. I walked into the John as a teenager with a full bladder and walked out a fucking trash poet. At a college bookstore, I bought a small black book with blank pages and a felt pen (before Vincent Vega made 'em famous), and I wrote hundreds of shitty poems. Years later, the internet proved that anonymous couplet was scribed on thousands of bathroom walls and there was nothing special about me reading it. That's the real letdown of our online culture...the marginalization of every authentic thought and experience. We're always just one click away from finding out how common we are. I feel sorry for today's young writers and artists. Where will they find their kickstart? Every idea has been exhausted or tweeted before they've even thought it.

That same year, Point Break was released. At the time, it was mocked and under-appreciated thanks to an unintentionally parodic script and a few goofy deliveries from Keanu Reeves. But, for counter-culturalists, Patrick Swayze's performance was a gift from the cinema gods. At every turn, the mystical surf criminal Bodhi tore down the mainstream myths of Dirty Dancing's Johnny Castle and Sam from Ghost. Kathryn Bigelow was a filmmaker with guts and vision, but, more importantly, the movie was made at a time when studios weren't afraid to fail with a medium-level-budget flick that was dangerously flawed and co-starred the unconventional Lori Petty. Of course, now that Point Break has achieved cult-classic status, Hollywood has ordered a remake. Like the money-grab reincarnations of Willy Wonka, Superman, Star Trek, Bad News Bears and Karate Kid, it's sure to be a middling, muddling and mechanical pile of crap. And even if it's not, I won't see it on principal. Just because it's harder than Dirk Diggler's cock to have an original concept nowadays, doesn't mean the film industry needs to stop trying. 

Vaya con dios, brah.

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49ers (+3.5)  over Seattle, 2 dimes
Patriots (+5.5) over Denver, 2 dimes

Last Week 3-0-1 (+5 dimes)
Season: 16-14-3 (+5 dimes)

Who is the Vox?
SamVox is not a professional handicapper, but a premier one. He has been gambling his entire adult life and has experienced every sickening turn and nasty twist of fate that occurs during a football season. What distinguishes the Vox is his amazing intuition, astoundingly long memory, attention to detail and preparation, aversion to propaganda and access to the industry's sharpest bettors. He is a two time Pick'Em champion and went 141-121-14 against the spread with his Vox Lox over six seasons for a net profit of over 35 units. His critically-dismissed Vox in the Box column also appears here at CST.