Sunday, November 17, 2013

Vox Lox: Five Things You Didn't Know About Me

Back when Facebook first infested the mainstream, there was a note trending called "25 Random Things About Me." Remember, you made your list and tagged 25 friends. Then they made lists and tagged 25 more friends. It spread faster than the Delonte-Gloria rumor, and we were all the wiser for it. It seemed harmlessly playful and occasionally interesting at the time, but the standard had been officially and not-so-subtly set: Facebook was going to be about narcissism and image-crafting. What you had to say was supremely important and, eventually, so was where you were and who you were there with! Soon after, Timeline blew you up with a cover photo that was seemingly wider than your monitor. Last year, memes made political musings easy for the masses, and eCards helped you appear aristocratically hip. In 2013, Bit-strips make you inoffensively funny and hashtags, abused as they've been, give you Twitter-power! 

This week Facebook got back to her roots with another self-indulgent exercise. You don't even need an official note this time around: a friend simply gives you a random number, and off you go with another brilliant list about you! And, truth be told, nothing comes easier than Me-Copy when you're needing to fill space. That means I can type some quick Vox tidbits and I'll be done here in twenty minutes. That's twice as long as Terry Pluto spends on his articles. Just joking, Terry. I think. OK, off with the horns, on with column. FYI, five is not an arbitrary value. It's the number of Browns wins (and losses) in just a few hours.

1. I'm in a column slump, and have to write my way out of it. I've been tormented by Miss Ryder Block for most of my creative life. And I know as well as anyone-- sometimes you have to tell Winona to pack up her shit and go. Then you grind out some words. Doesn't mean they'll add up to much, but at least you produced. Hey, Bud Shaw has been slumping for twenty+ years, but he keeps busting jokes and collecting paychecks. Just kidding, Bud. I still read you.

2. I don't laugh easily, especially when it comes to television. The good Lord has instilled an ugly cynicism in my hate-filled heart, so your average sit-com grates on my insane sensibilities. I need something savagely original and outrageous. I need an icon with the ability to unhinge a laugh-track with only the expression on his face. I need Archie Bunker, Latka Gravas, Sam Malone, Alex P. Keaton, George Costanza, and, most of all, Kenny Fuckin' Powers. Tonight, Eastbound & Down airs Kenny's final chapter and it's sure to be hilariously dark, uncomfortable, and triumphant. I declare it the 2nd funniest show ever, and here is my Top 10 All-Time TV Comedies list for proof:

                                                     1. Taxi
                                                     2. Eastbound & Down
                                                     3. Family Ties
                                                     4, All in the Family
                                                     5. Cheers
                                                     6. Seinfeld
                                                     7. Diff'rent Strokes
                                                     8. Three's Company
                                                     9. Family Guy
                                                     10. Curb Your Enthusiasm 

3. I attended the Vegas Summer League four months ago and said hello to Matthew Dellavedova. I didn't know his name, but he had a Cavaliers warm-up on and that was good enough for me. On the court, he immediately impressed me with his focus and tenacity but I assumed he was there to fill out the roster. Didn't figure he'd make the team, but the Cavs couldn't start the season with only three guards. Still, nobody in the basketball universe could've predicted that Delly would play in a meaningful 4th quarter and the entire overtime period in our desperately needed win over Washington. At first glance, he looks to have the speed and ability of some cat in your rec league and yet his plus/minus ratio was +16 last night.

4. Vox's All-Time Favorite Player NBA Roster:
Starting Line-up:
PG Terrell Brandon
SG Vinny "The Microwave" Johnson
C Vitaly Potapenko
PF John "Hot Rod" Williams
SF Xavier McDaniel

Reserves: F/C John Salley, F/C Christian Laettner, F Dennis Rodman, F AC Green, G Delonte West, G Bob Sura, G Isiah Thomas, G Gary Payton, G Aaron Craft

5. I play Blackjack by the book. There's really no other way to do it if you want to generate a profit. But I cannot bring myself to split 8s against a 9 or a 10. I know I'm statistically wrong, but how can I make that play while still assuming the dealer's hole card is a ten? I have a similar dilemna when it comes to even-money if I've blackjacked against the Dealer's Ace. I can't resist and always take my even payout, but I know that's costing me money in the long term. Am I a defective gambler or do all humans have illogical blind spots? I need to know, so please email me your thoughts. And a column idea or two if you don't mind. I'm dry for next week. Let me make you famous. But first I'll make you rich...

Today's Plays:

Giants (-5) over Packers, 2 dimes
Browns (+6) over Bengals, 2 dimes
Saints (-3) over 49ers, 1 dime
Texans (-7) over Raiders, 1 dime
Broncos (-8.5) over Chiefs, 1 dime

Last week: No Action
Two Weeks Ago: 1-0 (+5 Dimes)
Season: 10-11-1 (-1 Dime)