Sunday, February 5, 2012

Top 10 Sexiest Men Alive: Vox Lox Super Sunday

Disclaimers first:
I am not gay. I like football, porno and books about war. So, obviously, I'm not gay.
I have never hooked up with a guy. Putting on a glove and momentarily grabbing a dear friend's soft-hard package on a college dare is not a sexual encounter.
And before you call me the tool in the box, you should know that this column is still more interesting than your sports blog down the street offering up some vanilla insights on the NFL draft, the Tribe's fifth starter or trade scenarios involving Ramon Sessions. Also, I do have female readers scattered across Cuyahoga County. And a number of girls in the Niagara Falls area. Now, I'm way too sanctimonious to fuck for web hits, but I'm not too proud to prostitute my column for a few extra likes on Facebook. I've been putting out for y'all since week one, and Vox Lox is finally concluding. Indulge me. Or just scroll down and grab my much coveted SB release.
(Notable Honorable Mentions: Stephen Dorff. Skeet Ulrich. Rick Fox. Bret Michaels & Sean Penn, only if there was a Vox in the Box in 1986.)


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10. Jordan Catalano, Frozen Embryos Frontman                                                        
Even a generation later, after a few crunchy 30 Seconds to Mars singles and some very competent supporting turns in Fight Club, Girl Interrupted and Panic Room, the notoriously douchy Jared Leto has failed to eclipse his status as 90s teen heart throb. Still, with over 750,000 Twitter followers, he claims a hot nook of modern-day relevancy. It should be noted that Brian Krakow has 1,441 and counting, and here's the argument that Angela picked him and his ten speed over JC and his cherry red convertible. Agreed, it's not as clear-cut obvious as Ross & Rachel reuniting in the Friends finale, but certainly more plausible than the widely-held belief that Tony Soprano was shot in the right side of his head when the screen went black.



9. Tim Riggins, Fullback, Dillon Panthers
The GenY jock version of Jordan Catalano.
And Jordan wants his jacket back.



8. Larry Mullen Jr., Drums & Percussion, U2
Boy George once said: “Every time I hear Bono sing 'I still haven’t found what I’m looking for,' I feel like shouting: Turn around!"



7. TI, Rapper
Before you say TI is the countdown's token black guy, see below.



6. D'Angelo, Singer-Songwriter
Somehow my man D morphed into this.



5. Rob Lowe, Actor
They say Rob really could stop traffic in the 80s with his unprecedented good looks, but he wasn't my type. I was always more impressed with his talent, on display in the fantastically flawed films About Last Night and St. Elmo's Fire. The sex scandal at the 1988 Democratic National Convention could've destroyed Rob, but his ability to mock himself on SNL and parody his overgrown frat-boy image with roles in Tommy Boy and Wayne's World saved his career. As the tragically idealistic Sam Seaborn in West Wing, the Rob Lowe resurrection was complete. So, would he have made this list if he hadn't broke the news of Peyton Manning's retirement? Probably not. Hey, a well-timed, relevant, half-true and harmless tweet (or two) can only help your Q score.



4. Esai Morales, Actor
Carrot, anyone?



3. Gavin Rossdale, Rock Star
In Bizarro World, Cleveland is hosting the SuperBowl in James C. Dimora Stadium (even in my wildest dream, I can't envision the Browns will ever be a participant), Mrs. ExVox is singing the national anthem and Gavin Rossdale is playing the halftime show. His set list is a no-brainer, right? "Machinehead." "Glycerine." "Come Down." But what about today? If Madonna was doing it in my living room, I'd choose "Material Girl," "Live to Tell," and "Justify My Love." Rumor has it, though, Madge will break off "Vogue," "Music," and "Like a Prayer." Makes sense. Universal songs for the ultimate sell-out gig. The SB Halftime Act is an immense, unwavering slice of American corporate immortality, choreographed to a fault. Some of my favorite artists have been set up to fail the gig, you know, with teens unleashed on the field to awkwardly cheer on fossil legends, and the league and network making sure every move and note is branded and over-produced. Of course, only U2 pulled it off-- when Bono summoned one of his most epic performances when the stakes were at their highest, just five months after 9-11.



2. David Beckham, Midfielder, LA Galaxy
What an unexpected surprise when Becks recently spurned Paris Siant-Germain to stay in the states and help Galaxy defend their Cup. I was a staunch critic of the poor play in MLS, when it debuted in 1996. Things have changed. Granted, we're light years away from the EPL, but MLS has evolved into a very strong league capable of competing with almost any footballers on the planet. I fantasize about expansion in Cleveland, but the dream died with Bart Wolstein and our busted up economy. It's a shame my daughters won't experience the Cleveland Force the way I did, but I'm thankful for soccer in HD and our healthy pro league.



1. Tom Brady
I've given myself away. At this point, how do I pick against the Patriots?
But writing off my wager as a know-nothing school girl with a celebrity crush would be tremendously irresponsible of you. There are very few handicappers that can match Vox's documented success in the Super Bowl. In 2008, on Time Warner's The Daily Dose, I was all over the Giants at +11 against the undefeated Pats. In 2009, I almost nailed the score exactly, predicting a close Stiller win and a Cardinal cover. After taking 2010 off from handicapping for personal reasons, I returned last year and hit the biggest play of my gambling career: a 10-dime money-line, leap of faith on the underdog Packers. So get out on the streets, guys and gals, and bust your book:
Pats/Giants Over 55, 1 dime
Giants to win first half +120, 1 dime
PATS (-2.5) over Giants in SuperBowl XLVI, 3 DIMES
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Two weeks ago: 1-1 (-2 dimes)
Season: 30-28-3 (+1 dime)
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P.S. Next time we meet, may it be minus the plump Penguin in the left hand corner. Until then, I'll be overdosing on prayers and vitamins. Parting is...inevitable.