Friday, February 16, 2007

Vox in the Box (13)


SamVox,...shove your Machiavellian, overly dramatic, alternative opinions up your torn ass. I'm stumping for Obama, my favorite director is Spike Lee, and, thrown bricks aside, Hot Rod Williams will be the NBA's next great coach.

All right, got that out of my system. Yall should enjoy that one. My readers love my ambiguity, evidenced by the positive response I got from the opening paragraph of Vox 11. Sopranos creator David Chase once said everything out of every character's mouth is a lie. And fans love the show anyway. And if you're here with me for 13, then you are a person that happily decides for yourself. If you want it spoon-fed, go read Bud Shaw. Other than his Ameachi column last week, his space is just a collection of sarcastic paragraphs with no real insight. If you want controversy, check out TMQ. Easterbrook is bound to touch a nerve if you read him long enough. If you're looking for objectivity, you won't like it here. If that's your thing, grab the Cleveland Jewish News. They won't endorse a political candidate, unless of course you can shell out the dough for a full-page ad.

Despite popular opinion, I have only a modest amount of free time. It's a damn shame I waste it playing speed chess. It not only fucks up your game, it sucks brain power and now I have nothing to say. What to write, what to write? Hey, if you want to kill a column...just do a running diary. Cavs/Lakers on TNT tonight. Yeah, I think I'll go Simmons and bust out a diary.. 18 minutes to tip off. I'll be right back. Sit tight, I'm going to make myself a sandwich (if you know what I mean).

-- brief interruption, Sam Vox is making himself a sandwich--
I'm back, bra. I love how local and national media members picked the Cavs to win the East this year (Kenny Roda), but all they've done this season is constantly complain about Z and ESnow. Um, when you picked the Cavs to win 59 games and dominate the NBA, you were aware that Eric Snow is our starting point guard, right? That's what so comical about people's expectations. The Cavs did not upgrade in the offseason. Last year, they benefited from basically stealing Flip Murray and then barely beat one of the league's worst defensive teams, the 42-win Bullets. They had a nice run with house money against the aging Pistons (whose liabilities were finally exposed-- mainly the ineffective Ben Wallace in crunch time). But the Cavs were essentially a one-man team offensively. How did you think they would contend this year? You didn't think. That's the problem. This city is filled with NBA novices that discovered pro ball when Bron arrived, but have no clue what it takes to win in the Association.

I have no problem with Snow, actually. He was the 2nd best Cavs player on the floor in the payoff. He rarely turns it over and plays as well as BJ Armstrong. What the Cavs need is a top-notch, bruising defender and a shooter that can spray it the way John Paxson did in the '91 Finals when MJ was doubled. Get off Z and Snow. You didn't mind them when you made your preseason picks. They didn't became duds overnight. OK, 10:30, it's game time. Damn, Mavs and Rockets running over. I hate that.

10:39 Here is that awesome commercial with the Nike Dream Team walking in unison in their white warm-ups; then scrimmaging in slow motion to a badass rap. Steve Nash looks out of place, but studly with his locks cut. They should show Bron throwing up fall-away threes with 20 seconds left on the shot clock and his team down eight. Man, they take those pick-up games more serious than they do the Bobcats.

10:49 Jeff Van Gundy, GET OFF THE FUCKING COURT.

10:50 Tracy McGrady forces up a horrendous shot with 6 seconds left and Houston down one. There was absolutely no chance of him passing. None.

10:51 Mavericks win. Mavericks win. Thuh-uh-uh Mavericks win. Cuban is already in Vegas, I think.

10:53 The Dwayne Wade/Charles Barkley commercial where the idiot waitress knows who Wade is, but not Barkley. She must be one of those new NBA fans from Cleveland. I'd still bang her.

10:55 SVAC time, in progress. Kevin Harlan and Doug Collins, courtside. I don't care who the announcers are, as long as both of them aren't Fred McLeod.

10:59 Doug Collins would like to see Anderson more aggressive tonight. Be careful what you wish for Doug.

11:00 Have you ever seen the size of Eric Snow's ass when he penetrates. That is a Virgin Pimp ass, no question about it.

11:06 Doug's Keys to Victory. Great graphic. He actually thinks LeBron and Kobe should "lead the way" tonight. Great analysis. He wants Cleveland to MANUFACTURE OFFENSE. I'm turned on now.

11:11 Hughes with a vicious fake wrap-around pass. Ok, he's struggled this season. I may have been wrong about him. But he used to torch us with Washington.

11:13 Closer promo. I love you Kyra.

11:16 Donyell doesn't even attempt to guard Kobe. Three ball is good.

11:19 Memphis has to go outside.

11:24 Poor thing, I think he's constipated

11:27 Scot Pollard with the worst foul attempt I've ever seen. He didn't foul; he fondled. Three-point play.

11:28 Close-up of that Cavs assistant coach that looks like John Witkowski.

11:30 Close-up of Kobe on the bench allegedly contemplating his next rape victim.

11:24 Lew Alcindor in the house. Reminds me of when Kareem guest-starred on Diff'rent Strokes. He played Arnold and Dudley's teacher. Dudley told Mr. Drummond that Kareem hit them, but it was a lie. Where's Dudley's dad? Remember when Dudley's dad promised to quit smoking, but then lit up at the end of the episode; the screen froze dramatically and the credits popped up on the screen. Powerful stuff on NBC in the early 80s.

11:43 Bad credit? No credit? No problem! Serpentini Chevy guarantees approval.

11:47 I like when black players scream super-loud after they release a shot, letting everyone know it's off.

11:48 Chris Jent sighting. It sure seems like yesterday he was slapping the ball down the court so time would expire on Minnesota. I loved that Buckeye team. Jent, JJ, Perry Carter, Treg Lee, Jamie Skelton (used to get his haircut at that place Telly did), Coach Ayers. 1991. Flat-tops on the brothers. Severance was a mall, not a shopping plaza. You're down wit OPP.

11:56 OK, I just noticed Kobe is now wearing #24. WTF? What happened to 8? I guess Kobe is a Jack Bauer fan. Nope, according to Collins it's because there are 24 hours in a day and 24 seconds in a shot clock. Brilliant. PJ Johns wore 24.

12:02 A Serbian hits a three at the buzzer to end the half. Wasn't Sasha.

12:03 The usless pre-halftime interview. Cheryl Miller and LeBron. There has never been an interesting pre-halftime interview. It's mandatory fluff. Except for the Penn State v OSU game. The interviewer inquired about a slip of paper that Paterno handed to Tressel as they ran off the field. Tressel said one of OSU's defensive players had dropped one of their play sheets and Paterno returned it, because "they don't want any advantage." Classic line, and I'm not sure why. If I'm Paterno, I use that as toilet paper, rather than having to book to the bathroom in front of 100,000 plus people.

12:12 Halftime. Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, Barkley and Reggie Miller live from Las Vegas. They're commenting on the Tim Hardaway fiasco. Barkley says only God can judge us. Kenny "If we both stopped for gas" Smith uses a white rapper/blacks in the suburbs analogy that made so little sense, it was amazingly funny.

12:16 I'm ready for bed and it's only halftime. I'm going to take a snooze and hopefully wake up for the last two minutes. Those are the only minutes that matter in an NBA regular season game anyway.

naptime, bra

12:53 Collins voice wakes me from a light sleep. What happened to the Doug Collins that ran around the Colisuem court like a maniac after The Shot? You know, with the curly half-mullet? His hair has changed almost as drastically as Mike Fratello's. Phil Jackson has aged too. I wonder if he whistles when he's banging the owner's daughter. Get off your wife and on to a Buss. Lakers romance rules.

12:56 When I played ball, I was the king of assists. I still enjoy helping people.

12:57 Oh my God! The dude from Class Act, Yo Damida: why don't you play with my frog, is in a video game ad.

12:59 The Goose is up. She's crying in her crib. I better get her before Mrs. Vox wakes up and sees me blogging.

1:08 I dare Phil Jackson to put in Smush Parker and play him the rest of the game. Doesn't Kobe need to rest up for All-Star weekend?

1:11 7:57 left in the 4th. Cavs by 1. Someboody tell Hughes to stop gunning threes.

1:13 Hughes bricks a short jumper in transition. Somebody tell Hughes to stop shooting period.

1:16 I wouldn't mind playing the never-see-you-again-game with Drew Gooden. Maybe the
most over-valued player in Cavs history. He blows.

1:20 Lakers up a bucket, and they're going to win this game. TNT couldn't be happier.

1:21 LeBron at the free throw line. He mumbled something to himself. Seal it with a kiss, baby.

1:24 I wish Sedale Threatt still played for the Lakers. AC Green too. Talk about a VP reunion.

1:27 Nike commercial using Motzart's final requiem. Quality dude.

1:31 HUGE 3 BY SASHA; that may have won it for us.

1:35 ESnow having a great game. Come the playoffs, I want it in his hands. Not Gibson's.

1:39 Kobe drains a three they had to have. LeBron back at the line, and TNT is absolutely
desperate to make this game Bron v Kobe.

1:40 OVER THE BACK!!!

1:42 Rebound Andy. This one's all but over.

1:44 You can book this one to the Cavs.

1:45 Post game interview. I hate to be catty, but Cheryl Miller needs a makeover. She tells Bron she'll see him in Vegas. TNT cannot stop promoting the All Star weekend. War Amon Jones beating out Arenas for the 3-Point Championship.

I need sleep.

Well V told me at Grinders
I swore we'd always remember
No Retreat Cavaliers No Surrender

I am Potaps in the box

We're going to be good next year...Parting is inevitable